A friend talked to me today about her fear of being alone. She is in her fifties and recently widowed. I believe this will be the first time in her life that she has ever been alone. Granted, she has a cat, and has recently acquired a dog and a new alarm system, but these things don’t even come close to the comfort and security of having other human beings around.
When I think about it, out of a shop of six women, I’m the only one who lives alone, and has done so for at least three years. They all have lived their entire lives with family, friends and significant others. I’ve had people ask me how I do it. My friend who confided in me today is one of those people.
When I think of all the people I know, only a few live alone. Of those, half are alone because they lost the love of their life to death, the others have given up on finding the love of their life. I tend to think those in the latter category have given up on themselves.
You are probably wondering which category I fall in. I fit in neither. I ended a long term relationship a few years ago. This brings me to another thought; can two hermits come together in peaceful cohabitation?
I think two people who’ve lived in voluntary solitary confinement can. My mother disagrees. She has been living alone for several years since her soulmate and best friend passed away. It doesn’t surprise my brothers nor me that she has not even gone out on a date since then. She has never been the social type ( I also think she would end up comparing any other gentleman to Dad…they wouldn’t pass muster one bit in her eyes). Dad was the polar opposite. We actually think he wouldn’t have fared too well had Mom passed first. While I’m on this track…I don’t think either of my brothers will do to well if their wives pass before they do. Before I digress into the subject of how differently I think my parents raised me from my brothers, I shall get back to my mother’s viewpoint differing from mine in regards to two independent people living under one roof. Mom basically feels that once someone has been alone for more than two years, they are set in stone to be alone. I disagree.
I think first and foremost, they both need to acknowledge that each is independent. We all need to acknowledge that anyway…people should never lose their individuality in a relationship. You were attracted to each other for the unique qualities each possessed; don’t lose that or allow total melding just because you’re bound in a relationship.
Secondly, give each other space! Everyone needs alone time. Don’t give up your hobbies (unless you have a really weird one, like collecting fly wings). Don’t get me wrong here, you do have to devote time to growing and nurturing a relationship. I’m just saying, don’t get lost in each other’s lives. It’s okay to lose yourselves when you are giving that intimate part of yourself in the sexual union…I’m talking about losing your personal identity in your day to day living arrangement.
You also have to compromise on personal habits. I find myself thinking about this at times when I do certain things in the privacy of my own home; things I know I certainly wouldn’t do at a friend’s house, or if I was living with someone. For instance, instead of dirtying a glass, I will often open the fridge, grab the container of the desired beverage, take a few chugs, and put the container back. No muss, no fuss. Hey, it’s just me amd my personal germs, right? There is one container I don’t do that with and that’s my Brita filtering pitcher. The only reason is that it’s quite the messy affair to tip that thing forward to take a chug. One ends up getting quite the bath, albeit a well filtered one. Suffice to say, when unexpected company comes over, they are offered cold, filtered water, but not juice, soy milk or diet soda. When I think about it, the majority of my guests would turn those choices down even if I hadn’t chugged from the containers beforehand. Most of my friends aren’t exactly health conscience; they’re inclined to turn down a glass of soy milk.
Dishes…sometimes an optional item. If it’s a single saucepan meal, why bother with a bowl? That’s one more thing to wash! Speaking of meals…banana pancakes for dinner, anyone?
Bedtime…no set bedtime on the weekends. If I feel like getting up at 3 am to tinker around on a project, I’m not disturbing anyone.
Another habit I reckon I’d have to alter is my choice of weekend garb. If I don’t have to leave the house after Friday afternoon, I’m living in my ratwear, meaning, the rattiest, most comfortable clothing I own. No shoes, holey shirts and pants, finger-combed hair…you get the picture. Speaking of pictures, there’s a darn good reason there’s no webcam hooked up to this computer.
Yes, there are many other aspects of living alone that I cherish. Will I miss these things should I find myself in cohabitation with a significant other? I honestly can’t say. I do know I am a flexible woman, that’s how I’ve survived all the crazy crap that life has thrown my way these past few years.
Humans are inherently social creatures. We are normally born into and thrive in family units. The stronger the family unit, the more balanced and healthy we are. It doesn’t matter what the makeup of the family is; what matters is that the household provides a loving, nurturing environment. It is equally important that children are taught to be independent, to take care of themselves. If we cannot successfully take care of ourselves, how can we take care of each other?
Thanks! Hope you’ve also enjoyed the other posts.